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Pre-Decision Nerves

I'm not a person who quakes at any decision. In fact, it's rare for me to second-guess myself. Choosing a car? Not a second thought. Choosing a college? A breeze, if it was in New York City, I was with it. It wasn't until I decided to travel solo that the questioning of my choices really came into play. That even took a long while to set in. It wasn't until the month of November 2018 rolled around, the month that I would be in Thailand alone by the end of, that I got a taste of what's it's like to be scared of the move I was making.

I had spent a long time saving and researching, but as it got closer and closer, I wondered, had I done enough saving and researching? With everyday, this fear grew until it was time to get on the plane. Hugging my mom before I headed through security, I felt exactly like I did when she was dropping me off at sleep-away camp for the first time; alone and terrified. I continued feeling that way, throughout the entire flight, layover, and next flight. And, I even kept feeling that way as I was laying in the bed of my Airbnb, awake with 4am jet-lag, thinking "Oh no...this feeling should've been gone by now".

As subtly as these feelings of fear crept up on me is as suddenly as they went away. It was in figuring out the little things that I realized I wasn't completely helpless. Managing to find my lost Grab (the Asian Uber) driver who spoke no English, finding some authentic noodles, sharing a beer with my first group of scattered strangers who would quickly become friends. The spontaneity became comfortable.

Now here I am almost a year later. Sitting at home. I'm bored, and restless, and I have this plan. But, just like clockwork, that gnawing fear, it's creeping back in. This plan was far, far more spontaneous. It isn't a 'gap year backpacking trip' that everyone in my life agreed was a great idea. I'm throwing my old plans out the window in a sense for something far, far more risky. Leaving my life in New York for a short while that could be categorized as moving out of the U.S. entirely. I'm nervous. Am I making the right move? I guess, I'm not sure yet.

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